Well, running out of breath, but I
Oh, I, I got stamina
Running now, I close my eyes
But, oh, I got stamina
And oh yeah, running to the waves below
But I, I got stamina
And oh yeah, I'm running and I've just enough
I got stamina
It's no secret that I love politics. I love the theater of politics. I love the way a good politician can reinvigorate citizens' desires to make the country better. I love watching social change start small and slowly gain momentum until it has a tangible effect on people I know. I love trying to see things from different perspectives, I actually enjoyed watching every primary debate and the conventions.
I look forward to presidential debates like other people look forward to the Super Bowl. I love the zingers, the nail biting, all of it. But last night, as I watched Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk out and shake hands, I noticed that my heart was beating fast in a bad way. I wasn't excited. I wasn't nervous. I was terrified. I felt nauseous, on the verge of a panic attack. My older daughter, Lucy, loves Hillary Clinton and the idea of the first woman president. She sees Hillary as competent, experienced, and the obvious choice. She was sitting next to me last night and I almost wanted to just send her to bed. I didn't want her to see someone talk to a woman she admired the way Trump was about to talk to Clinton. I didn't want to watch it either.
There was something uniquely painful about watching a prepared, poised Clinton consistently work to stay calm and professional while an irrational, red-faced man screamed lies while a male moderator sat by and said nothing. I know this kind of thing happens to some extent in most debates-- the people at home want a show and it's the job of the nominees to give it to them in return for their votes. I know Clinton signed up for this when she decided to run for president, but come on.
Toward the end of the debate, Trump responded to a question about his blatant misogyny by attempting to hit Clinton where he thought it would hurt the most, while simultaneously casting himself as the more thoughtful and compassionate of the two: "I was going to say something extremely rough to Hillary, to her family, and I said to myself I can't do it. I just can't do it. It's inappropriate, it's not nice." She just stood there, staring straight ahead and waiting for him to finish speaking. And who hasn't been that woman?
What woman hasn't had to sit quietly and maintain composure while a blustering idiot hammered her with misogynistic comments? What woman hasn't been accused of being dramatic while an hysterical man screamed at her that he was the rational one? I don't have enough fingers to count the number of times I've been expected to take responsibility for an opinion or action of a romantic partner, damned if I stood by him and damned if I didn't. All women have been in situations where we were well-informed and well-prepared, but shouted down by an unprepared, uneducated bully able to dismiss years of hate speech and lies with the shrug of a shoulder.
Last night's debate hurt to watch because it felt so personal. Hillary Clinton was every woman who has had to work three times as hard as the men in her office in order to be considered for a promotion. She was every woman who hasn't been taken seriously because she's either too hot to have a brain or to ugly for her opinion to matter. She was every woman refusing to sink to the level of an abusive partner. She was a woman, like so many women before her, sticking her neck out because how else are things going to change?
Hillary isn't perfect. She makes mistakes. She doesn't always tell the truth, and she is held to an infinitely higher standard than her opponent. As a nation, we compare their scandals without any sense of scale and then say we've placed them on a level playing field. But she's used to having her mistakes amplified. She's used to people calling her names. She's used to being simultaneously labeled as too weak and too brash to do her job. As a woman, she's used to all this bullshit and more. But despite Trump's best attempts, she won't be swayed. She's got stamina.
