Things I Wish I'd Known

my very first moment of motherhood, February 2006

My friend Graeme recently posted a blog entry asking for the advice mothers wish they had been given while they were pregnant. I was going to leave this as a note on her blog, but then it got really long because (surprise!) I have a lot to say. So here we go! This is what I wish I'd known.

Enjoy the belly as much you can while you're pregnant. I threw up almost every day through both of my pregnancies, but I have also never felt so great about myself and my body. I was growing a human! I'm not looking to have more kids right now, but damn I miss the feeling of a baby kicking me in the bladder.
 
It's good to have a birth plan. It's good to be educated and to read whatever books you want to read to feel ready. When I was pregnant with my first baby, my mother and I watched TLC's "A Birth Story" for two hours every single morning. I had a book called The Pregnancy Bible and I treated it like it really was the word of God. I memorized that thing. With my second pregnancy, I decided to have a natural birth with a playlist and a birthing tub and candles and instead I had a breech baby with a cord wrapped around her neck several times and a c-section. It happens. A plan is great, but birth happens with or without your plan. Your health and the health of your baby are the most important things. Everything else is sprinkles on the cupcake.


There are a few times when it is totally understandable to act like an asshole, and the delivery of your baby is one of those times. I had a wonderful midwife to assist with the births of both my children, and I developed such a wonderful relationship with one of my nurses that she actually came to the hospital on her day off to visit and bring me a candy bar. Midwives, nurses, doctors...they can be wonderful people. But they are people, which means they can also be awful. If you don't feel you're getting the treatment you deserve, or you feel uncomfortable or shamed ignored, it's okay to let that be known. Don't suffer through a crap experience because you ended up with a crap nurse. Say something.

When it comes to post-delivery (at least in my experience), there is going to be a LOT of blood and a LOT of oversharing. I had one vaginal delivery with an epidural and one c-section. My vaginal delivery was super easy (I only pushed for twenty minutes) and I never felt more than a little discomfort, so when the epidural wore off, I was totally unprepared for how much my crotch would burn and how much blood would be coming out of me. With the c-section, I sat in the bathroom for a full hour in absolute hysterics because I couldn't pee. When I finally managed it, my husband had to put my (giant, mesh, hospital-issued) underwear on for me. I had to have help in the shower both times. That's life.

Witch hazel. Witch hazel, witch hazel, witch hazel. Your vagina is going to burn like hot lava. Yes, it is.

You don't have to "sleep when the baby sleeps" or risk failing as a mother because you're too exhausted. If having a clean house will make you feel better, clean when the baby sleeps. If showering and/or putting on makeup makes you feel more like yourself, that's great. If getting out for a bit to go to the store or a movie will make you feel better, do that. If sleeping helps, that's good too. You don't exist only for the baby. You are still a human being with emotional and physical needs. They're just as important as the needs of the baby.
 

Round two, October 2009

Take pictures. All the time. Take pictures of their baby ears, their baby hair, their baby fingers and toes. Before you know it, they'll be little people instead of babies and you'll miss those infant features. Also, smell the hell out of their heads while you have a chance.

Breastfeeding is great for your baby and for a lot of women, it is also great for bonding and it's just the most magical thing on earth. For other women, it's kind of painful and kind of crap, but they can deal with it because for them, the benefits outweigh all the suck. For other women-- and I am one of them-- breastfeeding is a special hell that makes you seriously consider throwing yourself or your baby across the room and beg your doctor for antidepressants. If you are in that last group, for the love of God, do not torture yourself. Your baby needs a sane mother more than it needs to be breastfed. You're not making your baby weak or stupid by refusing to feel suicidal for a year after giving birth. I promise.

It's ok to ask for help. Not just when you have a newborn, but all the time. It takes a village. At the very least, it takes help from your partner (if you have one). Try to find someone you can call on in the middle of the night if you're really about to lose your mind. If you don't have a person like that in your life right now, mommy groups and support groups are great resources.

The baby will eventually sleep, I promise.

If you feel overwhelmed and the baby will not stop screaming and you feel the urge to shake the baby, put it down. Put the baby somewhere safe and walk away for a minute. This sounded like advice I would NEVER need to use, but then I had a baby and I realized how easy it is to want to shake a baby to "snap them out of it."  You're not a horrible person for having the passing thought, you're just exhausted and you can't think of anything to do to help. Both my babies had colic, though, so maybe this doesn't happen to everyone.

If you don't bond with your baby immediately, try not to worry about it too much. I expected motherhood to be something out of a movie, so when I had sore boobs and a fussy infant and post-partum depression, I really had myself convinced that I was not only the worst mother, but also the worst person, in the entire world. I thought I should be able to do everything, and if I couldn't do it, then none of the things I'd thought about myself were true. Who cared what else I accomplished in my life if I couldn't even bond with my baby? Fast forward almost eight years, and I would jump in front of a train for that kid in a skinny minute. I loved both my kids from the time they were born, but I love them both so much more now. It can be hard to bond with a sleeping/eating/pooping machine, but soon enough you and your child will have a real relationship and inside jokes and shared memories and it will be wonderful.
 

motherhood, 2012

Do what you feel you need to do, what you know is best. Even if it flies in the face of all advice. You can do it! It's going to be a hell of a ride.